Dirty White Boy

Good-bye porn collection

And by collection, I mean two VHS tapes.

The other day my girlfriend politely asked me to quit living like a fucking pig. Not wanting to end our relationship, I eagerly agreed. Then I asked her to quit using profanity because it makes me cry.

Since this is going to call for significant changes in my lifestyle, and I sincerely want to make her happy, I made a list.

Some of these are things that should have been done when I moved in over a month ago. At least that’s what I keep hearing.

But most are simple on-going tasks that will require persistence and commitment. That was my penis talking.

Living Room

1. Don’t leave clothes and shoes on the floor
2. Establish strategic location for remote controls and place them there when done
3. Use coasters
4. Dust
5. Vacuum
6. Plug the smelly thing into the wall  

Dining Room

1. Don’t leave mail on the table
2. Don’t leave anything on the table
3. Wipe table clean
4. Vacuum
5. Hang baseball hats and keys on the wooden thing

Kitchen

1. Put dirty dishes in dishwasher instead of stacking them in the sink
2. Run dishwasher when it’s full
3. Empty dishwasher when it’s done
4. Keep counters and stove top clean by using cleaning agent and cloth rag
5. Take out trash when it’s full
6. Replace bag in empty trash can
7. Make myself a celebratory beer snack when done

Bathroom

1. Sort through box on floor that’s been there since early April
2. Throw empty box in dumpster
3. Clean mirror
4. Scrub bathtub, toilet and sink
5. Clean floor
6. Blow myself a little kiss in clean mirror

Bedroom

1. Take clean clothes out of laundry basket and put them away
2. Use empty laundry basket to store dirty clothes
3. Do laundry
4. Repeat steps 1-3
5. Sort through boxes on floor that have been there since early April
6. Throw empty boxes in dumpster
7. Sift through the piles of paper on dresser and create something called a filing system
8. Throw away junk mail from last year
9. Wash mirror
10. Dust
11. Vacuum
12. Make bed
13. Take off closet doors (this isn’t a requirement but I think it’s a nice touch. I find them to be quite obtrusive)

Chico’s Room

1. Sort through the clothes I tossed in his elaborate walk-in closet and store neatly
2. Sell remaining inventory of SOB T-shirts and Koozies
3. The lil’ guy’s on his own for the rest

The good news is I have ten days to get my shit together. The bad news is I have a full-time job, and have to write the SOB when I get home.

Taking a phrase from the NFL Draft – The Summer of Benny is now on the clock. 

I’ll keep you abreast of my progress.

Drink – I said breast.

Hey, baby, if you’re feelin’ down. I know what’s good for you all day. Are you worried what your friends see? Will it ruin your reputation lovin’ me?