It’s time for the fastest two minutes in sports. Not to be confused with the fastest two minutes in sex – which I like to call prom night. Or at least it was in my case. Hey, she had huge tits and like to talk dirty. So sue me.
The field for the 135th running of the Kentucky Derby
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West Side Bernie – Sounds close to ‘Benny’ but not close enough for a win ticket
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Musket Man – You might need a musket to shoot yourself in the head if you bet on this one
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Mr. Hot Stuff -Â The new nickname for my penis. But not the derby winnerÂ
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Advice – My advice is to keep your money in your pocket
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Hold Me Back – Yeah, hold yourself back from the betting windows
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Friesan Fire – Sounds too Frenchy
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Papa Clem – Arkie Derby winner is no Smarty Jones
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Mine That Bird – The trainer’s first name is Bennie but he spells it wrong
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Join in the Dance – No thanks, I’m a fat white guy
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Regal Ransom – You’ll have a better chance making money with a kidnapping that having him on top
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Chocolate Candy – Owned by diet guru, Jenny Craig. That’s like me owning a horse named Benny the Bedwetter. The pick
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General Quarters – Ten-hut! All nags on deck
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I Want Revenge – You might get it with this one
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Atomic Rain – Al Gore’s choice
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Dunkirk – Owners paid $3.7 million for him and he didn’t race as a 2-year old. The last time a horse won the derby without racing as a sophomore was 127 years ago. Good luck bucking that trend
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Pioneerof the Nile – Why did they combine two words in his name? Stupid
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Summer Bird – If he was named Summer of Benny, I would be a player. But birds wake me up in the summer. And that pisses me off.
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Nowhere to Hide – I imagine he’ll find somewhere to hide – at the back of the pack
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Desert Party – Owned by the same people as Regal Ransom – Goodolphin Racing. They’re based in Dubai and have been trying to win America’s race for years. Keep trying, Muchambo
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Flying Private – If this horse wins, I fly my privates into the oncoming path a dump truck.
SOB Picks for the 135th Kentucky Derby
Chocolate Candy
I Want Revenge
Dunkirk
West Side Bernie
Well, when you’re sitting back in your rose pink Cadillac. Making bets on Kentucky Derby day.