If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

I got a new a new cell phone tonight. You know, one of those PDA/smartphones that will allow me to receive emails and make posts to the SOB from almost anywhere.

The only bad thing is my new plan requires me to change my telephone number. But instead of receiving a message that states my number is no longer in service, I’m going to give callers a few choices:

Hi, this is Benny, and the number you called is no longer in service. Please choose from one of the following options:

Press #1 if you are a friend of mine.

Press #2 if you received my resume, and would like to speak with me about a job.

Press #3 if I used to date you.

Press #4 if I owe you money.

Recorded message for #1:
I’m sorry, but if you were a friend, you would have been included in one of the many emails and text messages I sent. And since I didn’t, take this opportunity to accept the fact that I never really liked you, and think you are a jackass.

Recorded message for #2:
If you are looking for either a radio personality, comedy writer or any position within the Kansas City Chiefs organization, please send an email to the address on my resume. Otherwise, please hang up as I have already found gainful employment as a validation engineer.

Recorded message for #3:
I’m sure we had a great time when we were together. But after years of looking, I think I have found my soul mate. However, if you are the girl I banged on the hood of the car in the alley outside of the Sigma Chi house in the fall of ’84, please call Ameristar Casino and ask for Ally. Give her the secret code of ‘salad tosser’, and she will provide information on how to contact me.

Recorded message for #4:
We are sorry to inform you that Benny is no longer with us. Sadly, he took his own life after narrowly missing the final leg of a Pick 6 at Aqueduct when the 2-1 chalk hung in the stretch. We politely ask you to keep him in your thoughts, and please scratch him from your A/R report. Have a blessed day.

Lots of new friends with the same old problems. Open your eyes, you might see. If our lives were that simple, we’d live in the past. If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.