Is Tom d G America’s next top model?
He can also be seen on a nationwide television commercial. I think it’s for a company called Freedom Financial Network, or something. Anyway, I’ve seen it on ESPN in the morning. Oh, and the horse racing network, TVG, has been airing it, as well. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard.
Let’s talk about dating. More specifically, let’s talk about what it’s like to date me. I’ve compiled a list of things the ladies should expect – call it Benny 101.
Money
I’ve never been mistaken for a financial advisor. I’ll stay home on a weekend night to save money, and then spend $80 buying shit I don’t need online when I’m drunk.
I don’t make a lot of money right now. But this is going to change by (a) finding a new job, (b) making it big with the SOB or (c) winning the lottery.
Be patient, and I’ll make it one way or the other. In the meantime, don’t be surprised if I ask you to pay my car insurance.
Housekeeping
I’m not the neatest person in the world. I admit that. But I will make an effort to pick up things if I know you’re coming over. Just do yourself a favor, and don’t look under my bed or in the closet.
Politics
I will talk politics almost every time we’re together, especially if we’re watching cable news. So don’t get me started with your rhetoric about how you support health care reform when unemployment is at a 26-year high.
Do you think Reagan would have tried to overhaul 20% of the nation’s economy when the unemployment rate was 10.2%?
See there? You already got me started. Turn the channel to football.
Football
My favorite team is the Chiefs. In fact, my entire bathroom is decorated with Chiefs stuff. Yeah, I know they suck this year. But they’re my team.
If you have a favorite team, I will think that’s cute. And I will root for them unless they’re (a) the Raiders, (b) the Broncos, or (c) a team that is playing the Chiefs.
We probably won’t make it if it’s either (a) or (b).
(c) will be fine as long as you listen to the game in your car.
Music
Country, Classic Alternative, Classic Rock, 80’s. In that order.
Noises
I fart. I snore. And I talk in a weird voice that only dogs and children seem to appreciate.
Farting is not up for discussion. I mean, I won’t fart on you but you will hear me rip one on occasion. If I had to run to the bathroom every time I felt like letting one fly, I wouldn’t have any underwear left.
There is probably a way to cure the snoring. I just don’t have the time to explore remedies. If you buy me some of those Breath Right strips, I’ll be happy to wear them to bed. Shit, they may even give me more stamina during a midnight romp.
The weird voice is here to stay. Sorry, but it makes me laugh.
Drinking (and the Morning After)
Wow… where do I start? Okay, it’s like this. I tend to get over-served a lot. And when I do, there may be times when you wake up thinking you just got out of the shower. I don’t wet the bed on purpose , and I have pills to prevent this from happening. It’s just that I sometimes pass out before taking one.
I’m very loud the morning after a night of drinking. Don’t be surprised if you wake up to find me hovering over you – nailing a Steve Miller Band song.
I mean, some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice. Cause I speak of the pompitous of love.
And you need to know that. Albeit, probably not at 6 AM nursing a hangover.
I’ve been around the block a time or two. Done almost everything a boy can do. I’ve done some livin’, yeah I’ve had fun. But there is one thing that I haven’t done.