I’ve got to figure out why I pee the bed when I’ve had too much to drink. I’ve done a lot of research on this topic lately. Most of the suggestions on the internet say to simply quit drinking.
That’s funny.
I think I’ve figured it out, though.
In college, I drank a massive amount of beer after gobbling handfuls of mushrooms – and never once peed the bed.
So what’s different now? My weight.
I’ve traced the problem to sleep apnea. What causes sleep apnea? Being overweight.
I mean, I’m not huge. Well, my dick is. But I could stand to lose a few pounds.
Maybe my theory would be easier to explain if I put it into a math formula.
(a) Bedwetter
(b) Sleep Apnea
(c) Weight
(d) Excessive Alcohol Consumption
a=d*(b/c)
Where (d) is a constant, and (a), (b), (c) are variables.
So, let’s change the formula for the desired result.
(d-c)=null
If we reduce the value for weight – we reduce sleep apnea to a null value – which reduces bedwetting to a null value.
I should get up early tomorrow morning and workout. But I’ll probably be too hungover.
A conversation today with Matt M
BENNY
Are you following Larry the Cable Guy on Twitter, yet? He said he just ordered 5 chili dogs, gonna have to wipe with sham wow.MATT M
You still bleeding out your ass?BENNY
Only when I eat spicy food before I go to bed.MATT M
I’m telling you. You’ve got to eat more fiber. My doctor gave me that advice, and I feel great.BENNY
Are we really having this conversation?MATT M
What?BENNY
We used to talk about girls. And now we’re talking about our ass problems?MATT M
Hey, I drank 20 beers the other night when I was out of town. I would usually eat a cheeseburger and fries the next morning. But I had a couple of bowls of bran at the hotel, and I was good to go.BENNY
I don’t even know what foods contain fiber.MATT M
Oatmeal is a good source. So are fruits and vegetables, nuts and broccoli. I’ve been eating the shit out of broccoli lately.BENNY
That’s nice.Later that day…
BENNY
Dude, I ate two high fiber bars for lunch. And it’s 50/50 I make it home before I shit my pants.MATT M
You over did it. Your body’s in shock. You need to ease your way into it.BENNY
It would’ve been nice if you had mentioned that earlier. I’ve gotta go. If I don’t concentrate, I’m going to need new seat covers.MATT M
(Laughing) Good luck.BENNY
Fuck off.
Seventeen has turned thirty-five. I’m surprised that we’re still livin’.