Who’s ready for a wiener?
I like to dispense advise from time to time. For example, don’t use big words if you can’t pronounce a three-letter word like ask. It just makes you look more stupid than you actually are. If that’s even possible.
Today, I want to talk about relationships.
The most important thing you want in a woman is a best friend. This idea might sound corny, but there are going to be times when you just want to drink beer and watch football. And by times, I mean every weekend in the fall.
But if your lady friend would rather the two of you watch Lifetime movies on an October Sunday – and you’re not gay – then you’ve got problems down the road, my friend.
This next advice is for the ladies. Giving compliments to your man will help him feel good about himself.
Here are a few Don’ts:
                        HIM
I like your hair when you wear it like that.                        HER
You’re a slob.                        HIM
You look great in that swimsuit.                        HER
You need to get your shit together.                        HIM
I’m glad we got together.                        HER
I’m not.                        HIM
I love waking up next to you.                        HER
Did you pee the bed?
Trust is another big issue. If your woman sees nothing wrong with going out with an ex-boyfriend for drinks, remind her of how the two of you hooked up.
If she still doesn’t see the light, meet an ex-girlfriend for happy hour. When she asks what the hell you’re doing, say, “It’s okay, baby. We’re just friends.”
Sex is obviously an important part of any relationship. If she likes to be on bottom, but you’re not a fan of the missionary position, tell her what you like. Sideways, doggy-style, dirty talk – I don’t care what turns you on – just make sure she’s into it, as well.
Otherwise, you’ll end up on top thinking about the cute checkout girl at the grocery store.
To summarize, find a woman who can double as your drinking buddy- that’s nice to you – doesn’t go out with ex-boyfriends – and turns you on in bed.
A nice rack doesn’t hurt either.
 – I liked this headline.
I wanted to be with you alone, and talk about the weather. But traditions I can trace against the child in your face, won’t escape my attention.