Original Sin

 

Screw it. I’ve got nothing tonight, so let’s go with the story of Big Butthole Girl.

I had a crush on this chick all through high school. I finally nailed her my first summer back from college. She had gone to another school, and somehow managed to remain a virgin. I had done the same. Wink.

We became an item after our first night together. And by item, I mean she craved my boner all the time.

One drunken night, I was enjoying her company from behind, and my joystick fell out. I plugged the fellar back in, but she began to moan in pain.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’ve never put in there before,” she screamed back.

At this point in the story, you should know I don’t have a small penis. I mean, I’m no Long Dong Silver. But the five women I’ve been with have told me I’m above average. Wink.

When the night of mistaken identity was over, I drove home and noticed a foul odor on the way. I didn’t need Encyclopedia Brown to figure out what it was.

I knew my dad would be up for work soon, so a shower was out of the question. I went to the basement (again), and began to lift weights.

As luck would have it, he had to get a shirt out of the dryer.

“What the hell is that smell, boy?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I smell it, too. Do you think the sewer backed up, or something?”

“You been drinking?”

“No.”

“Don’t wake your mother.”

“Okay.”

I took a shower as soon as he left.

My love affair with Big Butthole Girl ended a few weeks later after I waited for her outside the bathroom. When she saw me standing there, she looked like a deer in headlights.

I walked past her, closed the door, and damned near puked. There was a stain around the toilet bowl that can only be described as the Shit Rings of Saturn.

And my mom always blamed me for ruining the toilet.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Walking into the men’s room to find all of the urinals are taken, and saying, “Looks like a full house.” Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “Man, when my gurl ain’t around, I be straight up kickin’ it.”

Translation: “I cheat on my girlfriend.”

– The Office “Diversity Day” Promo

And wake up to a brand new day. To find your dreams have washed away.