Trip Through Your Wires

 

I couldn’t wait to make another post so I wouldn’t have to look at that dick bed anymore. When did Crowe Dog start carving wood, anyway? Drink, I said wood.

I got a haircut today from a woman that thought she would enhance my experience by talking the entire time.

Now, I don’t mind a conversation when the stylist is a hot girl in her 20’s with large boobs that rest on my shoulder as she’s trimming my sideburns.

I’ll even talk about rap music if she’s attractive enough – “Man, Lil’ Wayne was straight up droppin’ rhymes last night at the BET’s. That’s my boy, right therre.”

But when the woman looks like Charlie’s cleaning lady on Two and a Half Men, and I’m zoned out on pain killers, just cut my hair and keep your yapper shut.

Here’s out it started: 

1. I walk in on my crutches
2. She scurries to the register from the back room
3. She asks for my phone number
4. I make one up and give it to her
5. She notices the screen saver is activated on their PC and says, “Looks like I need to wake up the computer.”
6. I ignore her stupid comment
7. She asks if this is my first time there
8. I say, “Yes.”
9. The lady who cut my hair last time gives me a funny look
10. Berta asks for my name
11. I make one up
12. She introduces herself and we walk to the chair

Below is a glimpse at more of our conversation – only my responses are what I was thinking:

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BERTA
What happened to your foot?

BENNY
What happened to your ass?

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BERTA
Oh, your hair looks like you just got out of the shower.

BENNY
Oh, your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel.

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BERTA
They’re saying it’s going to get cold.

BENNY
Thanks for the weather update, genius.

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BERTA
Do you have to work today?

BENNY
Yeah, I work in a library. Let’s pretend we’re there now.

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BERTA
(listening to a commercial on the radio) Wow, 44 cents is a pretty good deal on greeting cards.

BENNY
I wish a $7.99 haircut was.

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BERTA
Do you have a coupon?

BENNY
I wish I had a muzzle.

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BERTA
Come back and see us.

BENNY
Not if you’re here.

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And yes, I left a tip. It’s not like I’m some kind of capitalism hating socialist democrat that thinks I’m entitled to government benefits even though I pay little or no taxes and can’t speak English.

WTF did you just say?

I was thirsty and you wet my lips.