Baby, Please Come Home

I’ve never noticed how many non-handicapped people park in spots reserved for those who really need them – until I was one of those that really needed them.

Let me take you back to Monday night. I noticed all of the handicapped spots in a parking lot were taken, so I was forced to park a couple of hundred yards away. The asphalt had patches of ice, but I managed to slide to the door on one leg.

When I walked out I noticed two ladies getting into a car parked in one of the handicapped spots. I’m no doctor, but they seemed like they could have done cartwheels across the lot.

“Did you really need to park there?” I asked the driver.

“Oh, I gots a sticker,” she replied.

“I’m not doubting that you have a sticker. I can see it hanging from your rear-view mirror. But you seem to be walking fine. Do you have a medical condition that requires you to park there?”

“Why you be gettin’ all up in my bidness?” she axed.

“Forget it. By the way, thanks for parking there. I had to walk two football fields on crutches.”

“Thank you for having crutches.”

Now, I admit I thought about using one of the crutches to start knocking out her headlights. But then it donned on me – nothing I could have said or done was going to change her ignorance. She’s probably a bad tipper, too.

Okay, let’s get to this year’s Christmas list for the SOB cast.

Abby
An Illinois victory over Mizzou in the Braggin’ Rights game. Oh wait, she got that last night. I guess Christmas came early. Drink, I said came early.

Chuck & Theresa H.
A spittoon so their guests can chew tobacco in their house without fear of reprisal

Crowe Dog
Mamma Mia! on Blu-ray

Dani-girl
Cash

Gina Party
Mattress pad for the bed in her guest room

Issac
See, I Told You So by Rush Limbaugh

King
Verizon wireless gift certificate for the next time he loses his phone (which will probably happen before the end of the year)

Leo & Sheri
Wood chipper to get rid of the Christmas tree that’s been on the roof of their car for the past three weeks

Lil’ Bro
New sofa for the one I puked and peed on last Thanksgiving after the Chiefs game

Maribeth
A steady make-out partner

Matt M.
Grecian Formula

Mr. O
A healthy baby (Mrs. O is due in June)

Sheila E.
Gift certificate to Taco John’s

Tom
An hour-long private dance with three strippers

Tory K.
San Diego Chargers jersey - so he’ll have a team to root for in the playoffs after they beat the Broncos on Sunday night

As for me? I just want my pee and cum pills.

The snow’s coming down. I’m watching it fall.