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The day was July 3, 1990, and I had an opportunity to alter my destiny. Five weeks earlier, I had won a preliminary stand-up comedy contest and the final competition was being held the night before Independence Day.
I had never done any stand-up before, but some friends convinced me to give it a try. I wrote down five minutes of comedy and advanced to the finals on my first attempt. Keep in mind that several weeks had passed between the prelim and the finals, and I had made no attempt to memorize the jokes I had written.
I left work early on the day of the show and headed to the race track. I thought drinking a few cold ones while playing the ponies would calm my nerves. My girlfriend drove to the comedy club that night because I was already over the legal limit. The contestants drew numbers, and I was 6 of eight – plenty of time to down several bourbons.
When I took the stage, the lights hit me, the crowd stared, and I realized I was too drunk to speak. I somehow managed to slur a few jokes, but the emcee began giving signs that my time was up. I let a few expletives fly, and the microphone was shut off. IÂ did the walk of shame through the crowd, stumbled outside to the parking lot, and passed out on the hood of my girlfriend’s car.
I woke up the next morning at the foot of her waterbed, curled up in a fetal position. My underwear was soaked, as was the bed – which I thought had sprung a leak. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the one that had sprung a leak.
“Did I win?” I asked.
“Are you fu**king kidding me? she replied. Classy gal…
“I’ll take that as a no. By the way, your waterbed is leaking.”
Not only had I lost a chance to perform at a Chicago comedy club – which was the first place prize - I had wet the bed for the first time as an adult.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
This Day in Benny History
1971: Jim Morrison dies
1990: Kicked off stage during a stand-up comedy contest. Wet the bed for the first time since completing potty training
2001: Lost job; golf at Annbriar
2003: Oceans of Fun with Lil’ Bro and family
2005: Cards game; Jake’s Leg at Fair St. Louis
2006: Vacation day; pool; saw Gina Party’s boobs for the first time
2007: Pool
– The Riverfront Times selected the SOB as the Local Blog O’ the Week in their July 3-9 issue. You’ll have to scroll down to find the plug.
Love me tonight for I may never see you again.