4th Of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)

 

The day was July 3, 1990, and I had an opportunity to alter my destiny. Five weeks earlier, I had won a preliminary stand-up comedy contest and the final competition was being held the night before Independence Day.

I had never done any stand-up before, but some friends convinced me to give it a try. I wrote down five minutes of comedy and advanced to the finals on my first attempt. Keep in mind that several weeks had passed between the prelim and the finals, and I had made no attempt to memorize the jokes I had written.

I left work early on the day of the show and headed to the race track. I thought drinking a few cold ones while playing the ponies would calm my nerves. My girlfriend drove to the comedy club that night because I was already over the legal limit. The contestants drew numbers, and I was 6 of eight – plenty of time to down several bourbons.

When I took the stage, the lights hit me, the crowd stared, and I realized I was too drunk to speak. I somehow managed to slur a few jokes, but the emcee began giving signs that my time was up. I let a few expletives fly, and the microphone was shut off. I did the walk of shame through the crowd, stumbled outside to the parking lot, and passed out on the hood of my girlfriend’s car.

I woke up the next morning at the foot of her waterbed, curled up in a fetal position. My underwear was soaked, as was the bed – which I thought had sprung a leak. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the one that had sprung a leak.

“Did I win?” I asked.

“Are you fu**king kidding me? she replied. Classy gal…

“I’ll take that as a no. By the way, your waterbed is leaking.”

Not only had I lost a chance to perform at a Chicago comedy club – which was the first place prize - I had wet the bed for the first time as an adult.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

This Day in Benny History

1971: Jim Morrison dies

1990: Kicked off stage during a stand-up comedy contest. Wet the bed for the first time since completing potty training

2001: Lost job; golf at Annbriar

2003: Oceans of Fun with Lil’ Bro and family

2005: Cards game; Jake’s Leg at Fair St. Louis

2006: Vacation day; pool; saw Gina Party’s boobs for the first time

2007: Pool

– The Riverfront Times selected the SOB as the Local Blog O’ the Week in their July 3-9 issue. You’ll have to scroll down to find the plug.

Love me tonight for I may never see you again.