The day was July 3, 1990, and I had an opportunity to alter my destiny. Five weeks earlier, I had won a preliminary stand-up comedy contest and the final competition was being held the night before Independence Day.

I had never done any stand-up before, but some friends convinced me to give it a try. I wrote down five minutes of comedy and advanced to the finals on my first attempt. Keep in mind that several weeks had passed between the prelim and the finals, and I had made no attempt to memorize the jokes I had written.

I left work early on the day of the show and headed to the race track. I thought drinking a few cold ones while playing the ponies would calm my nerves. My girlfriend drove to the comedy club that night because I was already over the legal limit. The contestants drew numbers, and I was 6 of eight - plenty of time to down several bourbons.

When I took the stage, the lights hit me, the crowd stared, and I realized I was too drunk to speak. I somehow managed to slur a few jokes, but the emcee began giving signs that my time was up. I let a few expletives fly, and the microphone was shut off. I did the walk of shame through the crowd, stumbled outside to the parking lot, and passed out on the hood of my girlfriend’s car.

I woke up the next morning at the foot of her waterbed, curled up in a fetal position. My underwear was soaked, as was the bed - which I thought had sprung a leak. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the one that had sprung a leak.

“Did I win?” I asked.

“Are you fucking kidding me? she replied. Classy gal…

“I’ll take that as a no. By the way, your waterbed is leaking.”

Not only had I lost a chance to perform at a Chicago comedy club - which was the first place prize - I had wet the bed for the first time as an adult.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

This Day in Benny History

1971: Jim Morrison dies

1990: Kicked off stage during a stand-up comedy contest. Wet the bed for the first time since completing potty training

2001: Lost job; golf at Annbriar

2003: Oceans of Fun with Lil’ Bro and family

2005: Cards game; Jake’s Leg at Fair St. Louis

2006: Vacation day; pool; saw Gina Party’s boobs for the first time

2007: Pool

- The Riverfront Times selected the SOB as the Local Blog O’ the Week in their July 3-9 issue. You’ll have to scroll down to find the plug.

Love me tonight for I may never see you again.

Daddy-O putting together a 9-team parlay

Today’s picture is Mr. O.’s dad wearing his SOB T-shirt into a sports book in Las Vegas. Sweet.

I haven’t made a post this week because I’ve been in jury duty. I was supposed to appear last January, but had a prior commitment. And by commitment, I mean I don’t like cold weather. The instructions on the summons stated that I was allowed one postponement, and had to choose another week within six months to be available. I thought by choosing a holiday week, my chances of being selected would be reduced.

Wrong.

My name was called along with 35 others, and we were led into a courtroom. The judge introduced the defendant who was accused of robbery, armed criminal action, rape and sodomy - six counts in all.

Both attorneys asked a number of questions to the prospective jurors. Some of these people were obviously too stupid to serve on a jury. If I was one of the attorneys, and heard some of the answers given, I would have shown them the door.

When we broke for lunch, the judge instructed us to be back in the courtroom by 1:30, and the jury panel would be selected. They called 12 names, and mine wasn’t one of them. Now, I’ll admit that I’m not a law scholar, but I’ve seen 12 Angry Men, so I thought I was safe.

Wrong.

The bailiff called my name as the alternate - unlucky no. 13.

The people not chosen were told their services were no longer needed for the week, and they were free to leave. As I watched their smiling asses walk out of the courtroom, I shot a glance at a couple of the dumber ones.

I saw and heard things during the trial that were unbelievable. The alleged victim and defendant both took the stand. And I was thinking to myself - neither one of these people needs to be walking the streets.

During the defendant’s testimony, his attorney had to interrupt and ask him explain to the jury what “snappin’ on” means. Apparently, it means the same things as nagging. Who knew?

One of the defendant’s buddies shot me a Shug Knight look during the trial. So, I shot a look back thinking, “I’m the alternate, douche bag.”

After hearing closing arguments, the judge instructed the jury to elect a foreperson and begin deliberations. He told me that my services were no longer needed, and I could go.

I read today that the defendant was found guilty on 2 of the six charges. The jury must have reached their decision while I was sipping on a cold one at the pool.

The lawyers clean up all details, since daddy had to lie.

I will not be attending the annual Melrose Place pool party tonight because I’m headed out of town for a family reunion. But I hope someone gets drunker than I did last year, so I can quit hearing about it.

Please take some time and vote for Dani-girl for Ms. Westport. Click on the Vote for Ms. Westport tab - she is contestant 5 of 22 (Danielle H.) You will need to register your email. I’ll find a better way to link to the voting site when I get back.

Have you ever passed out on the floor because you were tired of pissing on your furniture?

Me neither.

- This chick must be a big hoops fan.

- The website is down. NSFW

Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking ’bout tomorrow. Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long.

During a walk the other day, I crossed paths with a man from India who was visiting his son at Melrose Place. He was draped in what I assumed to be traditional Hindu attire. Before I go any further, I want to make something abundantly clear - I have no animosity towards the man, his religion, or the dress he was wearing.

As I got closer, he began to clap and sing a religious chant which became increasingly louder as I passed.

I said, “Back at ya, slick.”

He smiled and nodded.

But this is a good example of what sets our country apart from others. I can only imagine the reaction I would get if I walked down the streets of Bombay singing Jesus Loves Me.

So never judge a book by its cover.

Janer in NYC sent me today’s picture of a restaurant she spotted while walking down a street in Manhattan. She made sure to mention that an OTB is located around the corner.

- Dani-girl uploaded two new photo albums: Cinco de Mayo and Summer Begins

- SOB Reader, Mr. O., appears as an extra in the new Adam Carolla movie The Hammer which was released today. In this shot, he can be seen clapping in the lower left-hand corner. If you get the DVD, his fifteen minutes of fame come at the 0:51:53 mark. He was last seen signing autographs at a Wal-Mart in Wichita.

- Balloon-crazed dog on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Thanks, Lil’ Bro.

- God accused of selling cocaine. Thanks, Mr. O.

- Dogs can sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Thanks, Tom.

Is anybody listening? Oh, oh…

I almost got my ass kicked at the pool on Sunday by that guy. You’ve all seen this guy before. The guy that goes out on the weekend looking for a fight.

This Billy Idol looking mo-fo brought a boom box to the pool and proceeded to turn on the Cardinals game loud enough to drown out the sound of the Melrose Place speakers. I wouldn’t have minded listening to the game, but took issue with some douche walking around like he was Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Mansion. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked.

“Listening to the Cardinals game. You got a problem with that?” he replied.

“Actually I do. I’m a Royals fan.”

“Too f-cking bad. What are they? - 20 games under .500?”

“I don’t think their record is the issue. The issue is you treating the pool like you own it.”

There were a couple of other words exchanged. And then he approached me, stuck his finger in my face and said, “You’re a prick! And if you say another word, I’m going to knock those sunglasses off your f-cking face, old man!”

Since there was no one around that had my back, I resisted the urge to tell him how much I enjoyed his White Wedding video.

I ended up turning the game on, and he apologized after the Cards lost in 13 innings. By the way, the Royals won.

In the midnight hour she cried, “More more more!”

Thanks to USA Today columnist, Whitney Matheson, for choosing the SOB as Reader of the Day on her blog - Pop Candy.

Here’s the permalink to the SOB profile. Some of the comments are pretty funny.

I’ve listened to preachers. I’ve listened to fools.